Following a particularly hungover Sunday, where I literally only moved from the couch/bed to retrieve my delivered pizza, my Monday run felt amazing. Yes, it was only 2 miles. Yes, I’ve done that before. But this time at least it was towards something. Being able to check off that first day of running felt like a huge accomplishment. Let’s hope this rush of good feeling and motivation continues for the next 51 runs. Yes, I counted.
However, the one concern I’ve had about this training, is how it will affect my yoga practice. So, like a dummy, I decided to get to my studio after the run just to push my body. Also, I decided not to eat any foods. Naturally I almost passed out and had to walk out of the heated room in the middle of our second series. Something I hate doing! We’ll see how this progresses, but I’m going to chop that up to a lack of food and hope that I can continue to practice 2-3 times a week even with all of this training. My balance is completely removed when I can’t hit my mat.
Now I’m back at work, and with another round of lay-offs filling this office with an incredible negative energy, I find myself wishing I had a run scheduled for tonight. Funny how fast that happens, isn’t it?
Loneliness is by far the hardest part of a break up. Even if the break up was warranted. Even after several infidelities. Even after knowing the relationship probably wasn’t the most healthy for over a year. The loneliness is still palpable and heavy. It still comes out in waves, sometimes you’re alone in your bed, sometimes you’re in Half Pigeon on your mat, sometimes you’re surrounded by people in your office hoping nobody can see you. The loneliness comes out. But, hopefully, as the weeks goes on, it comes out and it stays out. Hopefully, when it escapes like that, it’s really finally gone. And the weight lifts. And you start to feel again.
I am in such a rush to speed up this process. I am praying for September because it means I’m in a different month, and different time from when this happened. It means some change of date and maybe some change of feelings.
In an attempt to move forward faster, to let out all of my loneliness, I have decided to train for a half marathon. To literally run from my problems. Or maybe run towards something. That’s to be decided.
Training starts on Monday and as I’ve never ran more than 3 miles in my life, I’m slightly terrified. I’m worried about not being able to practice yoga enough. I’m worried about failing. I’m worried about feeling more alone when I’m on the pavement than I do right now.
But, I’m hopeful that maybe I can accomplish something. And I’m hopeful that maybe I can put all of my energy into this, and not into my heartbreak and I’m hopeful that I will feel pain in my body rather than in my chest.
And hope is a good thing.