Loneliness is by far the hardest part of a break up. Even if the break up was warranted. Even after several infidelities. Even after knowing the relationship probably wasn’t the most healthy for over a year. The loneliness is still palpable and heavy. It still comes out in waves, sometimes you’re alone in your bed, sometimes you’re in Half Pigeon on your mat, sometimes you’re surrounded by people in your office hoping nobody can see you. The loneliness comes out. But, hopefully, as the weeks goes on, it comes out and it stays out. Hopefully, when it escapes like that, it’s really finally gone. And the weight lifts. And you start to feel again.
I am in such a rush to speed up this process. I am praying for September because it means I’m in a different month, and different time from when this happened. It means some change of date and maybe some change of feelings.
In an attempt to move forward faster, to let out all of my loneliness, I have decided to train for a half marathon. To literally run from my problems. Or maybe run towards something. That’s to be decided.
Training starts on Monday and as I’ve never ran more than 3 miles in my life, I’m slightly terrified. I’m worried about not being able to practice yoga enough. I’m worried about failing. I’m worried about feeling more alone when I’m on the pavement than I do right now.
But, I’m hopeful that maybe I can accomplish something. And I’m hopeful that maybe I can put all of my energy into this, and not into my heartbreak and I’m hopeful that I will feel pain in my body rather than in my chest.
And hope is a good thing.